Wednesday, May. 07, 2003 - 9:27 p.m.

Good God. Humans are funny creatures, we are. How is it that I have been so blind for so long? How is it that I have let T do this to me. I am not getting what I need or want from him. I can tell he has taken a major mental focus off me and onto his "wife" and new girlfriend. He either has to spend him time with her or wants to spend his time with the other woman. He hasn't made one effort to contact me today. Which, is fine. I know his heart is no longer with me...if it ever was to begin with. I've put everything I could give him on the table and obviously it isn't enough. Why? I don't have money just yet. I guess. Maybe there is something I don't know about.

Yes I know what will happen. He will blame me and say I am a bitch and I'm the one who didn't want him and yadda yadda yadda. But HE is the one who told me just Monday that the direction we are headed is not good for me... and when I asked him what direction that is he said, "well...not towards committment and a full, normal life together..and THAT'S the least you deserve". But that will be forgotten I'm sure. All I have done to try to prove my love to him will be forgotten. He goes on about how his loss is a private one because our relationship was "secret". Well of course it was, from my mom and dad. All my friends knew. I didn't see him running to his mom, dad and sister telling them he was in love with me. He consistantly told them it was a friendship so as to protect anything he could get back with his exwife. He kept "us" as much a secret from his family as I did. Honestly I feel used. I feel like all along he has known that he'd never want a committed relationship with me and knew this was coming but yet allowed me to feel the things that led me to believe it was feasible and real. I think he just wanted a pretty piece of tail to be with until he absolutely HAD to go back to his exwife. And now he does. And now he's through with me. He basically came out and told me last week that pushing me out of his life needs to be done. So be it. I feel like I have been tricked in the worst of ways.

I can't help but love him. He has been good to me in many ways but so very cruel in others. But I don't think he cares about that, ultimately. I think he wants to create a life for himself that will cause him to stew in depression and unhappiness. Maybe he saw what he thought was a perfect situation for that in me. Maybe he thought I'd never fall for him and he could allow himself to fall for me, and when I left he'd have someone to blame. Hell I don't know. I want him to be happy even if that is not being with me. But I don't think HE wants happiness for himself.

::Last Five Notions::
Happy but Bored - Wednesday, Apr. 20, 2011
Stepdaughter1 - Tuesday, Mar. 15, 2011
frack - Thursday, Dec. 23, 2010
t-day2b - Wednesday, Nov. 24, 2010
fraking fraked up - Sunday, Nov. 14, 2010

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