Wednesday, Feb. 04, 2009 - 10:54 p.m.

Well... I did it. I moved. The last couple of entries were only a small sum of my culmination of feelings.

I care for this man so deeply. He doesn't see that. He thinks because I've moved I'm trying to split up the relationship.

I actually did it because I need my own sanity and I did not have it there, in HIS SPACE. I have to have my own space to be and feel whole. At least for now, that is.

I don't know what will happen. He is so aloof and distant. Part of me feels as though I need to give him his distance and let HIM make his decision, but where does that leave ME? Why should I have to be the one to wait - to put my life on hold? He either loves me or he doesn't... and to me - lately - he doesn't. Shall I get a daisy and pull out each petal one by one and ask, "he loves me...he loves me not"...?

FUCK THAT.

I guess my moving out wasn't a welcomed invitation to propose or profess undying love at any rate. Still, he has his own set of issues, which are far too many to even try to dispel here. There aren't any of us left in this day who don't. We are all human. But then - what the fuck does THAT MEAN?

In the great vastness of this universe, what does "being" mean? What does it mean to "be"?

I just want to be happy. And, so far as I can tell, I'm still lonely. Just a tad more lonely then I was when I lived there with him - but not by much, which tells me he left me emotionally a LONG LONG TIME AGO.

What I CAN say is, that I love my new apartment. I feel cozy and at home, and it makes me feel peaceful and happy to be here, even by myself. I've slept well each night. I've been here by myself so far -which, I might add, is the first time since my divorce I've truly slept peacefully and alcohol free while totally alone. I feel safe here. It feels great.

I know my biz will continue to blossom. I will make sure of that.

As far as my personal life...I'd just like to have some companionship.

::Last Five Notions::
Happy but Bored - Wednesday, Apr. 20, 2011
Stepdaughter1 - Tuesday, Mar. 15, 2011
frack - Thursday, Dec. 23, 2010
t-day2b - Wednesday, Nov. 24, 2010
fraking fraked up - Sunday, Nov. 14, 2010

::Notion Archives::