Monday, May. 12, 2003 - 11:58 a.m.

I can almost say I never wanted it written just how much I love and miss T. He has been so much more to me for so long - in all ways than S ever was. I am so ashamed of myself for allowing him into my heart and hurting me. It is NOT something I ever intended to happen. I want to be with him but for whatever reason he has seen fit to NOT be with me. I can't understand and no explanation he ever gives will suffice except to say "I do not love you nor have I ever loved you". He must not. He knew my heart was fragile and tender and vulnerable. But nevertheless, he pierced it anyway. At times as if sharply thrusting a stake into my heart, but mostly gently, slowly, stealthily and mercilessly. It is almost as if he has plotted and carried out a plan to make me dependant on him. No man ever filled my needs like he did and he knew his love would be an addiction for me. One I could not resist. Like any drug - it is mere fun at first but soon turns into something you depend on to feel good, loved and valued. It feeds you. It fuels you. He knew that from the start, I think.

I amaze myself at times. Just at how I can overcome and adjust and conform. Getting used to being unemployed, living in new temporary places, moving prized belongings abroad, being apart from those I love most for long spurts of time, beginning a new job with tons of responsibility. How do I do it? I'm in the middle of a divorce yet the man I'm forced to be separated from is the one I love. I feel that my very heart is broken and scattered across the world.

I just want happiness, and maybe some small part of

peace

resolution

reconciliation

::Last Five Notions::
Happy but Bored - Wednesday, Apr. 20, 2011
Stepdaughter1 - Tuesday, Mar. 15, 2011
frack - Thursday, Dec. 23, 2010
t-day2b - Wednesday, Nov. 24, 2010
fraking fraked up - Sunday, Nov. 14, 2010

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