Monday, Sept. 23, 2002 - 8:53 a.m.

Hmmmm... it appears that my life is going to be a never ending saga of tragedies. Every time I feel like I am going to make some progress in my life emotionally (and even physically), something comes along to tighten the reins on me. Dammit... for once I'd like to have a sense of normalcy about things. Sandy saw me walking into the building this morning and said I looked like I had the whole weight of the world on my shoulders. I thought that was worth noting.

S is hijacking my parents away from me. MY support system. The people I should feel safe with and accepted by. They are letting him place seeds of doubt against me in their heads. I feel so desperate to get away. It turns out that he doesn't have cancer of any kind. But now he says since he had more tests run on him Friday that they think he has a brain problem that could cause him to have an aneurysm. So he goes back for "more tests" Tuesday. I just hope he is telling the truth about all this. It seems he is frantic to find sympathy in any way he can get it. I have to wonder if he is being honest. At any rate he has been successful in causing some animosity between my father and me. My dad is naturally a very suspicious person. S knows that and he is using it to his advantage. I swear I'm going to get the hell away from here.

Then there is T. I think he is having a hard time grasping the fact that we are just friends and not more. I don't want to end up losing him...he has been there for me more than anybody else since I left S. But I don't have romantic feelings for him like he does for me...furthermore I don't feel like I CAN get caught up in a truly romantic attachment to anyone right now. I'm a useless heap of emotional mess. In fact I don't even know how T could stand to be around me but he does...and I am thankful to have him. I just hope he doesn't let his fantasies about me destroy what we have together in our friendship.

Then there is B. I'm not sure what B wants from me. He has come to stay with me a few times since I left S, but he lives 100 miles away. He is very cute and is 4 or 5 years younger than I am. I wish I could perceive what he really thinks of me. Hell I don't even know for sure what I need or want from him. I DO want to know him better and be a friend to him. He says he doesn�t deal with ambiguity very well. I am afraid that may be all I can offer him right now�a healthy dose of ambiguity. On a serious note�I do wish it were possible to see and talk to him more. The way my life is going I don�t understand why HE would WANT anything to do with me right now either. I have nothing of value to give him.

I still haven't heard from any of the jobs I applied for at UNC CH. I hope I will soon. I would so much like to get an interview at least. I think I could nail it. I feel that MY health problems are getting worse. My endometriosis seems to be "acting up". Geez, I feel like I'm fucking 70 years old some days. Bummer. Maybe soon I'll find enough strength and wit to get back with my diet and exercise program, and that will fix things. I feel like bloody hell.

::Last Five Notions::
Happy but Bored - Wednesday, Apr. 20, 2011
Stepdaughter1 - Tuesday, Mar. 15, 2011
frack - Thursday, Dec. 23, 2010
t-day2b - Wednesday, Nov. 24, 2010
fraking fraked up - Sunday, Nov. 14, 2010

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