Wednesday, Jan. 15, 2003 - 2:08 p.m.

Yes, that's a good question:

Where is life leading me? F*CK if I know.

I feel so distant from everyone lately. There is nothing more I hate than to feel as though someone who once loved and trusted me very much doesn't so much anymore. I know time and space makes people drift apart. I am the first one to understand that. But if true love can never die, and you've done nothing to make someone think they can't trust you - then why do they all of a sudden decide they can't anymore? And for no reason?

I just got tired of trying to make everyone else happy. If leaving Shane makes me a selfish person then so be it. I am selfish. I don't want to be ignored, neglected, abandoned, penniless, unloved and uncared for anymore. I'll do better on my own. At least my life won't be miserable forever, and I will have some chance at finding happiness, coming away from a bad marriage more the wiser.

All I've ever wanted is people's acceptance. I always feel like I'm never good enough, I'm never intelligent enough, I'm never pretty enough. I will prove everyone wrong. If they don't want to like me, fine but they WILL respect me. If they are jealous, fine... but their respect I WILL command. I need to work on a "don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out" attitude more. I'm all too easy to run over and that is changing. So many things in my life have made me cold and numb. I need to STOP letting people make ME feel like they are better than I am. If I have to shut off my heart to everyone in order to protect myself, then I suppose that is what I must do.

I am still grieving over the loss of my marriage even though I am the one who left it. I think people tend to expect me to not feel a thing because I am the dumper and not the dumpee. Well, he dumped me years ago. And I still have much anger, resentment and bitterness that I have not yet begun to deal with. I have many things from my childhood that not a single soul on earth knows about - and even I try to block them out or forget them. Lately I've realized that I have been successful in blocking some things out. They have come back to me in nightmares. Then I wake up and remember that it is a real memory and not a dream. More things coming to me. Leaving S has produced or jossled many memories I had blocked out. What horrible timing.

You'd think I have enough on my plate as it is. But I guess it is easy for people to look at me and say, "well her problems aren't that bad. She doesn't have that much to deal with". FUCK OFF. That is what I say. If one person could take a look into what I've had in my life they'd gladly run back to theirs.

Ok so now I'm rambling. I just haven't written in a while and needed to get some things out.

questions...

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