Wednesday, Sept. 11, 2002 - 12:43 p.m.

*sigh*

Shane is really making things difficult for me. I'm not going into major detail but I can see plainly that he is going to do everything he can to make my life hell. And, why not? That is all he's done for the past 5 years, so why not keep it up while he can? Sometimes I just want to get as far away from this place as possible. I'm seriously considering moving away. I could always go to another town and get another job - start a new life. I feel so stagnant here. I told my parents yesterday that they should NOT think for one moment that I would stay here for long after the divorce is final. I know I'll want to get away from here just to get away from Shane - along with everyone else whom he has turned against me. He has hurt me ENOUGH... ENOUGH already! I'm screaming for mercy. But apparently he is relentlessly determined in his endeavor to make me miserable.

Diet? Oh yeah...that thing. Well my eating habits have been pretty much screwed up to the hilt for the past 6 weeks. Nothing in my life has been normal since the separation. I eat maybe 1 to 2 meals per day and not much at that. I have no regular schedule other than work. I pick at my food more than eat it. Becky came to stay with me Saturday night and we went to Sagebrush to eat lunch/dinner (about 3:30). We both got the beef barbecue sandwich special. She made fun of me because I only at 1/4 of my sandwich and a few fries... and I had this horribly full feeling like I'd eaten a whole cow or something...not to mention the fact that it was the ONLY meal I had that day besides half a frozen personal-size pizza I split with her later on that night. I'm quite sure the only reason I'm not losing weight is a combination of the starchy foods and no exercise, both of which I keep meaning to change. I might exercise a few minutes one day but then go several days without it. THAT isn't going to do me one hill of beans' worth of good if I am not consistent. It isn't that I don't want to get back on track. It is just that I have so many friends (ALL of whom I love dearly), and they all invite me to come to their house or go to dinner and what-have-you almost every night. They are so worried about me and don't want me to be alone. And rightly so. My emotions have been nothing but a jumbled up mess. If you could actually SEE my emotions they'd look like roadkill only not as pleasant. I'm so sensitive. But I'm glad I can surround myself with people who actually CARE about me and want to help me through this by making sure I am NOT alone.

I am happy that I left Shane. My emotional breakdown comes from the years of hurt from him in addition to his desire to hurt me NOW. It is a process in healing. But it is hard to heal a wound when someone is pouring salt into it. He is trying to turn my family and my church friends against me. Now that I'm living in Boone I can't drive 30 miles to go to that church anymore. It isn't as if I would ever go back there anyway because I don't live in that community, but I feel very territorial about it. Like its MINE. I was raised there. Those people were my church before they were his. And now he is trying to destroy that for me in a very manipulative manner. And what is this, anyway? For 8 years I begged him to come to church with me... I could NEVER get him to commit to going consistently...yet now, all of a sudden, he's got religion? He is using his "look-at-me-I'm-right-with-God" card against me. He is trying to make it look like I'm the one who is wrong for leaving and not giving him the 5,000th chance. I don't love him and I don't have the strength to try to make this marriage work anymore. I have no desire to make it work...I just want out. I've been the one who has tried to keep it together since we got married. Looking back in some of my personal journal entries last night, I noticed that I started these lamentations over Shane not loving me since June of 1997 (two months after we were married). I have given him more chances than he has ever deserved to make this marriage work. Cheating on me was the last freaking straw. Now, all of a sudden, he is Mr. Golden boy. It seems like I am the only person besides my close friends who can see right through him. I am helpless to do anything about it. And the church members think God will never bless another thing I do in my life if I don't go back to Shane and make it work. Even my own father feels that way. I have NO support system other then my close friends here. I try to explain that, even IF it is wrong for me to divorce Shane, that is a problem to work out between God and me. I'll have to get forgiveness for that one day. But I can't help feeling in my heart that our marriage was NEVER the Lord's Will to begin with - otherwise we might have been happy at least for a while. All I know to do is have my church membership moved somewhere nearby where I live. And maybe eventually I can get the heck out of this area - at least for a few years, and start a new life for myself - far away from Shane.

Now that I've said all this useless crap that no one cares about I'll go. I will try to update more often and have nice, wonderful, perky, sparkly, charming things to say.

::Last Five Notions::
Happy but Bored - Wednesday, Apr. 20, 2011
Stepdaughter1 - Tuesday, Mar. 15, 2011
frack - Thursday, Dec. 23, 2010
t-day2b - Wednesday, Nov. 24, 2010
fraking fraked up - Sunday, Nov. 14, 2010

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